The United Nations of College Basketball

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Arizona (France)

A culturally significant country with much traditional success and prosperity (23 consecutive postseason appearances) yet ultimately defeated in most every war that matters (only one national title, in 1997). We also hear the cuisine in the dining halls is magnifique!

Arizona State (Belgium)

The wild, hard-partying kid stepsister to France, which also has quite a bit in common with the Netherlands, that’s only distinguished by not being France and ultimately considered a footnote in world history, despite a fair share of stunning diamonds (beautiful girls).

Baylor (New Zealand)

It’s fun, exciting and unique, yet ultimately forgotten and unable to be located on a map.

Clemson (Singapore)

This is a highly-industrialized nation often overlooked due to inability to produce its own natural resources, and being overshadowed by other mammoth superpowers in close proximity - consistently productive yet not far harder to locate and define than other nearby powers. No word yet on if you receive lashings for spitting out your gum.

Connecticut (China)

Once isolated and an afterthought, Deng Xiao Ping (Jim Calhoun) opened up the nation to the outside world by recruiting nationally. The result’s been the growth of a program from a regional powerhouse to the most quietly successful nation in recent years, often gobbling resources that used to travel to the United States, Canada, Australia and Japan. After over 15 years of continuously increasing returns, it’s safe to say this nation isn’t disappearing anytime soon.

Duke (United States)

Everyone from this nation will tell you it’s the greatest country on Earth. Everyone not from this nation reviles it as the oppressive superpower which floods media coverage and subjects the world to endless posturing – yet hasn’t been quite been nearly as successful since 2001, with 2008 reaching a new low by their admittedly-bloated standards. That said, it is consistently the most productive, biggest-spending and empirically significant country on the planet.

Florida (Spain)

Dominating a peninsula noted for beautiful weather and great parties, this nation is highly-successful and even a tad bit cocky, yet exceedingly difficult to despise. Do they wear jean shorts in Madrid?

Georgetown (Australia)

One of the most prosperous and important nations in the world, this faction has a high degree of legacy (John Thompson III, Patrick Ewing, Jr.) yet succeeds regardless. Not one to really start a war, although it retains many striking similarities (and a friendly rivalry) to Canada.

Indiana (Russia)

Not as globally relevant as it once was, when it was one of the two great superpowers in the world – along with the United States. Once ruled by a brutally efficient dictator who had a habit of hurting his own people, it has since fallen into the vice of ruin and corruption despite still being marginally productive.**

**(It should be noted we don’t project Indiana to make the tournament here, but their exclusion from the League of Nations would be unjust and too noticeable to explain away.)

Kansas (Great Britain)

A traditional powerhouse during the Elizabethan and Victorian ages of college basketball (from Naismith to Phog) and consistently productive, this nation is frequently cited amongst the elite. Despite a down-period following the fall of the Imperial Age – has regained its swagger in recent years.

Kentucky (Germany)

The center of the basketball world is one of the most highly industrialized mega-powers. All other superpowers branch off in all directions; it commonly engineers innovations throughout its illustrious history: witness the “figure-eight offense,” screens and the bounce-pass. It traditionally used home-grown talent to win, though has become more diverse in recent years.

Louisville (Czech Republic) / Cincinnati (Slovakia)

Achingly close in proximity, these are two traditionally solid nations, one of which had a downtime after the fall of Denny “The Iron Curtain” Crum, the other near the end of the Bob Huggins era, they then quickly joined NATO (The Big East) and became very relevant again. One of these nations has fared marginally better than the other in recent years.

Marquette (Finland)

An incredibly successful nation with a high standard-of-living (26 NCAA Tournament appearances), but is consistently forgotten in the discussion of major forces in the Industrialized world.

Miami (Portugal)

On the same peninsula as Spain (Florida) yet dwarfed in success by sheer number and notoriety, these two nations are rivals and don’t speak the same language, despite rarely clashing with each other in war.

Michigan State (Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania – pick ‘em)

The standard-of-living’s improved greatly this century for the Northern Branch of an old industrial superpower (Russia). Overlook at your own peril.

Missouri (Iceland)

A hard-partying nation often flown over en route to other places, it’s nonetheless prospered somewhat - despite a propensity for being forgotten.

North Carolina (Japan)

The fiercest economic rival to the United States, this country is uncompromisingly efficient and productive; it consistently exports astounding goods globally. Following a long post-war period of economic expansion and technological innovation (the Dean Smith era), there was a brief recession period (Matt Doherty, anyone?). It appears as though the sun rises over this land once again at the top of its game.

Notre Dame (Norway)

It’s citizens may be wealthy, but other countries in the world may boast flashier natural resources and scenic views and garner all the attention and success. Despite marginal pluckiness, it’s ultimately irrelevant in global conflict.

Ohio State (Greece)

Greece is one of those countries that are more tantalizing to think about and visit than to actually live in. A slew of accomplishments, past and present, are sprinkled through world history, and there are strong ties to Russia and the old Eastern Block, but this is a nation more famous for other things than commerce and trade (if we could break character, we could say, “such as football”).

Oklahoma (Ireland)

Hard-drinking with a past affinity for dysfunction (Kelvin Sampson) yet with a high standard of economic living, it’s often on the losing ends of battles with - and overshadowed by - Great Britain (Kansas) for supremacy of the British Isles.

Pittsburgh (Romania)

Beautiful rolling hills, old industrial buildings and strong ties to the rest of the Eastern Block (and Greece) characterize this often overlooked, yet still very viable and prosperous, nation. We hear the french fry and coleslaw burger is a huge hit in Budapest. (Update: Actually, that’s Bucharest ... clearly, someone didn’t watch enough Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?)

Purdue (Poland)

Once consistently beat to shreds by Germany and Russia in their proxy wars, this nation is distinctly prominent in its own way, and often ranked in the lower regions of the Top 25 most prosperous nations in the world (the AP poll).

Southern California (Sweden)

Massive wealth and beautiful women highlight an otherwise merely occasionally significant, but ultimately neutral state when it comes to global conflict.

Syracuse (Canada)

Wherever you go, you see the Maple Leaf (Otto, and those danged Syracuse hoodies). It’s an endearing mascot that natives display with pride. Similar to Australia in wealth and prestige, it occasionally flexes its global muscle (2003 National Champions), but mostly is content to simply be a consistently solid and productive nation. The natives of this country are similar in heritage and wealth to the United States, yet they’re located farther to the north and aren’t quite as insufferable.

Tennessee (Denmark)

Located in close proximity to Germany, yet much less visible on a global scale and often conquered by the Germans in conflict, they also share more in common with Iceland than most nations. Additionally, if you’ve ever driven the whole length of I-40, that endless parade of mileposts is the equivalent of taking a trip through the Danish territory of Greenland.

Texas (The Netherlands)

Speaking of hard-partying, Amsterdam (Austin) is the fun capital of the world, with bars, bars and bars. However, it should be noted this nation is consistently one of the top economic performers on the planet, with a recent revival of fortunes that’s led to a sustained run of excellence.

Texas A&M (Luxembourg)

The nowhere near as relevant, yet almost equally productive per capita, neighbor to the Netherlands is often overlooked, yet would ultimately be missed if it happened to disappear.

UCLA (Italy)

The Roman Empire (John Wooden) may seem like a long time ago, but there was once a time when this nation was the most powerful, jaw-dropping, productive and perennially influential nation in the world. It’s still relevant and the girls are still beautiful (and tan!), but there’s little -save for a 1995 championship - to compare this current incarnation of Italy to its former self.

Villanova (Indonesia)

Over the past 25 years, productivity continues to improve and business continues to be good. Occasional dips and market scares (mediocre seasons) are a trademark of this nation, but it remains stable. Strong ties to China and Australia have forced this country to step up and keep up.

Virginia Tech (Croatia)

A silently solid nation, the natives here don’t get the notoriety of other Mediterranean states. Like much of the Eastern Block, they’ve switched governments (from the Big East to the ACC) in the hopes of greater success.

Wake Forest (South Korea)

This is a leading industrialized nation, but is often overshadowed by its Pacific Rim adversaries and allies. Still, it’s a monumentally important faction that wields considerable economic clout and exports great wealth.

Washington (Switzerland)

It’s an important, successful nation to be sure – but ultimately harmless. They’ll bow out gracefully after experiencing some success; you can set your Swatch to it.

West Virginia (Taiwan)

Similar to China in its ability to make a deep impact on the world stage, but totally dwarfed by all its contemporaries in the industrialized world.

Wisconsin (Austria)

Similar to Switzerland in that it’s ultimately harmless despite its prosperity and tradition, but tends to make a lot more of a racket along the way.

by John Gorman
Love of Sports Correspondent

College basketball is the most national game of all.

With 348 Division I teams and a climactic 65-team tournament divided into regionals - with participants and battlefields all across the country - there’s no shortage of rooting interest or program pride in any metropolitan area - no matter how large or small.

But what if the game were global?

It may not be fair (but it sure is fun!) to draw parallels between nations and college basketball programs; yet their fans, coaches, players and performance can be viewed as its own slice of the planet, with characteristic idiosyncrasies to boot.

Since academic roundball is tipping off in earnest, and because some might say we have an unhealthy obsession with all things cartography, we present to you our projected NCAA Tournament field of 65 (plus one bonus team!) with a special twist: Each team corresponds with its own country from the World Bank’s list of the top 65 economically viable nations.

Let’s wrap ourselves in a flag, brush up on our Rosetta Stone and play some “Around the World.”

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League of “Thanks for Coming, Here’s Your Ceremonial Salad Shooter” Nations

North Dakota State (Hong Kong)

Despite actively participating on the world stage, they’ll be ousted in the play-in game, thereby not being a true tournament team. Hong Kong isn’t an actual country, either, just in case that stumped a few of you.

League of Unusually Rich Third-World Nations (Single-Bid Conference Champions)

Alabama State (Angola)
Belmont (Libya)

Cornell (Egypt)

A more apropos parallel couldn’t be drawn than the Ivy League champion as the foremost Ancient Empire from the Cradle of Civilization (the Ivys all reside in the 13 original colonies and are amongst the oldest colleges in the United States). Just as with Egypt, the glory days of Ivy basketball have long since passed.

Morgan State (Vietnam)
Murray State (Qatar)
Portland State (Bangladesh)
Robert Morris (Kazakhstan)
Stephen F. Austin (Kuwait)

Vermont (Algeria)

One of the most beautiful – albeit overlooked - countries in the world, this nation has the ability to strike at any time on the world stage (see: Syracuse, 2005). You ever been to Tunisia, boy? (Sips scotch.) Beautiful country, man, beautiful.

Winthrop (Thailand)

A small, silently outstanding nation from just south of the new center of basketball civilization (South Carolina / Southeast Asia) is often overlooked, but some place you’d want to be trapped while on vacation, or in the first-round of the NCAA Tournament. Let it be known, we’re not insinuating you could be satisfied for five dollars on the Winthrop campus, either.

Wright State (Nigeria)

Because, hey, why not?

League of Silently Emerging Nations Outside the Traditional Industrialized World (Second-Tier Programs)

Aren’t you sick of the term “mid major?” If you’re like me, you have a hard time determining what a mid major truly is. Are they all teams that exist outside the coalition of the willing (the BCS conferences)? The ambiguity of the term’s disheartening and renders it idiomatic - the ubiquitous college basketball snowclone. Can we also get rid of blights on the English language like describing single-bid conferences as “low majors” (oxynice person) and BCS schools as “high majors” (redundancy)?

Let’s call a spade a spade. BCS schools are “first-tier”; “Mid-majors” are heretofore referred to as simply “second-tier”; and “low-majors” shall be “third-tier.” It makes more sense that way.

American (United Arab Emirates)

Loaded with cash and somewhat tinier than most nations, and located to a place where folks go to carpetbag, make their fortune, leave their impact and peace out (Dubai or Washington, D.C., in this case).

BYU (Morocco)

A nation that’s really unlike any other on Earth. Set in a picturesque utopia; it combines the strange bedfellows of athletic success, moral stringency and educational excellence. Much like Morocco, which conflates elements of Iberian culture within a predominantly Arab backdrop.

Creighton (Peru)

Davidson (Malaysia)

Although it won’t be confused as a global superpower - at least not yet - this nation very recently developed into a flourishing newly industrialized country. Plus, we hear the Curry’s great.

Dayton (Ukraine)

Gonzaga (Mexico)

A commonly mentioned emerging nation that’s been tossed so often around in chats of importing and exporting, you actually forget it’s still not on the same level as the industrialized world ... until you visit. It also recently had to deal with an epidemic of drug busts.

Kent State (Argentina)

Yet another emerging nation, it’s famous for its cultural significance for inspiring artists (with riots inspiring the CSNY song “Ohio”) and has achieved excellence so consistently on the world stage that it is hard to classify it as a second-tier country, bordering on obscene wealth.

Louisiana-Lafayette (Pakistan)

The scariest mascot on Earth (the Ragin’ Cajun) ... meet the scariest nation on Earth.

Memphis (India)

The behemoth elephant-in-the-room country that recently emerged into a heavy hitter on the world stage, with supreme economic growth and increased notoriety, it now has great purchasing power (the ability to land top recruits). Another nation that’s so commonly talked about as a group to “watch out for,” it’s easy to forget that surrounding areas are infested with poverty (Conference USA).

Nevada (South Africa)
Pacific (Columbia)

Saint Mary’s (Venezuela)

Surprisingly wealthy even for a second-tier nation, they scare the bejeezus out of the industrialized world – but usually not for long.

Siena (Philippines)
Southern Illinois (Turkey)

Temple (Iran)

Located in the original heart of the world (Philadelphia birthed the Declaration of Independence, and the Big Five were the original holy land of college basketball), this is one emerging nation that if it ever got right and started stockpiling weapons (or recruits) could scare every other nation in it’s path.

UAB (Chile)

UNLV (Brazil)

A vast, exploding area of the world with bright lights, an unparalleled nightlife and a diversity of backgrounds makes this the partying nation that - despite the tourism and scenic beauty - is still the quietest emerging superpower of the past 30 years. Has been built up so much and so modernized since the ‘70s that it’s now almost unrecognizable to people who remember it way back when.

VCU (Israel)

Xavier (Saudi Arabia)

This group’s an alternately rich-and-poor country which has stumbled upon some outstanding natural resources (great recruiting classes) and propelled itself into the upper-echelon of new-world wealth, despite still not having much pedigree or political stability (four coaches in the past 15 years).

they left out st john's (darfur)  a program in poverty while the leaders ignore the reality of the situation.

good one newsman