http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=forde_pat&id=2306416TO STORM OR NOT TO STORM
Within the last 10 days, those crazy college kids from Michigan, Iowa, Indiana, Georgetown, St. John's and Tennessee have stormed the basketball court to celebrate big victories -- and for the chance to act like lunatics on TV. ("Look, Martha, there's our boy! Yes, the shirtless one with his face and torso painted, howling like a savage and jumping on that other child's back. ... Is that a whiskey flask in his back pocket?")
After watching all these giddy group gropes, it's high time to publish the Forde Minutes Court-Storming Protocol Guide. Students are advised to read the following rules and to act accordingly the next time their team agitates them to the edge of hoops ecstasy:
• The Old Money Principle (2): Look up at the ceiling of your gym and count the banners. If your school has won three or more national titles in its history, you shall not rush the floor at any time. Schools affected: UCLA (11 titles), Kentucky (seven), Indiana (five), North Carolina (four), Duke (three).
Your program has won big games before. Act like it.
The Old Money Principle clearly puts the Indiana student body in violation of The Forde Minutes' protocol. Especially when the vanquished team, Illinois, owns zero national titles of its own. How terribly tacky.
The Illini did not even qualify for a Minutes Protocol Exception (3), which states that if your august basketball program has hit the skids to a dispiriting degree (Indiana has missed the last two NCAA Tournaments), a storming is allowable under certain conditions:
Condition A (4): The opponent is ranked No. 1 and/or undefeated at least halfway through the season (14 or more games). Illinois was merely ranked fifth in the ESPN/USA Today coaches' poll and already had a loss on the season.
Condition B (5): Your august program defeats a top-five team on a suitably miraculous shot (25 feet or farther) at the buzzer, spurring spontaneous joy that overrides better impulses. (The Indiana-Illinois game went down to the wire, but it wasn't won at the buzzer on a prayer.)
Condition C (6): You are so intoxicated that you cannot remember the opponent's ranking, or how many titles your school has won. But be forewarned that The Minutes will not pay your bail if you're the lone trespasser on the court and wind up in cuffs.
The Minutes doesn't want to be the one to have to tell Ashley Judd that Kentucky will be spending its postseason in the NIT, not the NCAA Tournament.
Condition D (7): You see college hoops fan Ashley Judd (
sitting at the other end of the court, and you know that the shortest distance to her is a straight line.
• The Upper-Middle Class Principle (
: If your school has won multiple national titles, you are generally discouraged from storming the court unless you have defeated one of the above blue bloods, and only at the last second. Schools affected: Kansas, Louisville, Oklahoma State, Cincinnati, San Francisco, Michigan State, Connecticut, North Carolina State.
However, stormings are allowable under the following conditions:
Ancient History Exception (9): If your national titles predate Texas Western's, you are free to storm the court for any dramatic win over a top-five team. Schools affected: Oklahoma State, San Francisco, Cincinnati.
Semi-Ancient History Exception (10): If your national titles predate the 3-point shot, you are free to storm the court for any dramatic win over a No. 1-ranked team. Schools affected: Louisville and North Carolina State; Kansas and Michigan State halfway (one title before the three, one after).
Current power Connecticut (two titles in the last seven years) is discouraged from rushing the court under any but the most extraordinary circumstances, such as beating the No. 1 team on an eyes-closed, left-handed hook shot from half court.
• The Middle Class Principle (11): If your program plays in a major conference, has some basketball heritage and takes itself fairly seriously, court stormings should be reserved for: upsetting a top five team; knocking off an unbeaten league rival of particular dislike; ending a period of extreme and elongated futility against an arch rival; clinching a conference championship.
Under this principle, Iowa is hereby indicted for its floor rush Tuesday night after beating No. 11 Indiana. (In fact, it's flatly inexcusable on any level, other than the boredom that January in Iowa City can precipitate.) Michigan is granted clemency under the elongated-futility-against-an-arch-rival clause. Georgetown,
St. John's and Tennessee were all cleared for liftoff last Saturday.
AP Photo/Paul Sancya
Daniel Horton can celebrate; even the UM fans are exempt.
(Although The Minutes fully understands the Rocky Top rush, the SEC did not. It fined the Volunteers $5,000 for failing to keep the students off the floor, a violation of the league's sportsmanship policy. The Minutes fails to see the clear and present danger. This isn't football, where the fans mount heavy metal objects and send them crashing down upon the mob below. First time they tear down a basket stanchion, a fine will be in order. Not until then.)
• The Lower Class Principle (12): If your team plays in a mid-major or low-major league and manages to coax (or trick) a BCS-conference school into visiting and you win the game, a storming is allowed. Exceptions: Memphis, Gonzaga or any other school whose program is demonstrably larger than its conference profile. Also: beating a certifiably horrible BCS-conference school (Baylor, Arizona State, Purdue, South Florida or anyone with an RPI worse than 150) is not worth the effort.
The Bottom Feeder Principle (13): If you're North Dakota State, still on the D-I taxi squad, and you shock Wisconsin? Go crazy. Even if it's a road game. Break into the home gym and storm that sucker.
• The Morehead State Principle (14): The Eagles are 0-15 against NCAA competition. Any 8-0 run is justifiable incentive to rush the floor.