mullin fans
THE SON ALSO SITS
Act two
A middle aged balding man dressed in wrinkled khakis and a white polo shirt tucked in so it hugs his love handles rises from his seat in a half full Long Island Railroad car and makes his way to the toilet. Around his neck is a whistle on a string. The man enters the toilet, retrieves his phone, lowers his pants, sits, and dials.<Ring ring>
Hello?
Hi Ma.
Tony? Is this Tony? Hi honey.
Hi Ma.
What's up honey?
Nothing ma, on the train, thought I'd call and say hi. Hey ma, remember my friend foady from the internet?
Which friend's that hon?
You know ma, the guy his name is foad but I put a Y at the end of it, see? And it gets to him.
Why do you put a Cee at the end honey, I don't get it.
No ma, I put a Y at the end because it gets to him and I said see it gets to him, like see with your eyes.
Oh I get it. But I don't think I remember your friend.
Sure you do ma. Remember that time I called and told you about that guy on the internet's erection and how hilarious it was?
Oh that friend, the one with the penis. Sure, I remember now. What about him?
Well ma I'm getting to him. Every time he posts on the internet I say something clever right after like butt hurt or I tell him he's old or dare him to answer And it gets to him. So I'm winning.
That's good hon, but you shouldn't get too excited about people being butt hurt, remember what happened to that other gym teacher, that Mister Sandusky.
Physical education teacher ma, or coach, not gym teacher. How many times do I have to tell you.
Sorry hon, that other physical education teacher Mister Sandusky. So anyway how was gym class today - I mean physical education class, sorry hon.
Good ma. We're playing dodge ball this quarter and the boys get real sweaty. Today after class I watched real close when they were showering to make sure they used enough soap on their taints and sure enough Frankie Spumoni wasn't using enough soap on his taint and I said hey Frankie if you don't use enough soap on your taint I'll come over there and soap you myself. It was hilarious. Hey mom, remember when you showed me how to use enough soap on my taint that time you watched me shower?
Of course hon, it was only a few weeks ago. Speaking of a few weeks ago, how's your New Year's diet going?
Okay ma. I had a couple of donuts today fourth period in the teachers lounge, Maria Mustacciuoli the art teacher brought them and so I had a couple of jellies to be polite.
Maria Mustacciuoli, is that your girlfriend?
She's not my girlfriend ma, we're just friends.
Well you should get yourself a nice girlfriend Tony, maybe get married, gimme me a grandbaby, I'm not getting any younger. Maybe you should invite this Mustacciuoli to dinner Sunday, I'll make a nice pasticciotto.
I don't think so ma and anyway I can't make it for dinner Sunday.
Why not hon, your father and I was looking forward to seeing you.
Sorry ma, I have an important jay vee interview Monday, I have to get ready.
Jay vee! Oh Tony! I'm so proud! Wait till I tell Missus Bombolone from next door that you're gonna to be a jay vee basketball coach. She's always rubbing the fact that her son's a garbageman in my face. Except she says sanitation worker. Now I can tell her you're gonna be a middle school basketball coach, which is almost as prestigious.
Yeah, it's not basketball ma, it's wrestling. Girl's wrestling. And it's assistant coach. But I think if I do good there I'll have a real shot at moving up to being player development coach for the Lakers. They hire anyone.
Oh that's okay hon, girls wrastling is a good place to start. Your father used to like girls wrastling. When I first went to his apartment he had a poster of the Fabulous Moolah in the living room. That didn't last long though.
Hey ma how's pops doing anyway?
Well, speaking of butt hurt his piles have been acting up lately. You should say hello, I'll get him. Hey Petey -
No I can't now ma, my stop's next. Tell pops I'll call him tommorow morning after my bran muffin, okay?
Sure hon.
Okay ma, gotta go, love you.
Love you too hon, bye.
The man hangs up, wipes, sniffs his fingers, and satisfied with the smell pulls up his khakis. Taking a quick look in the mirror he carefully adjusts his whistle, flushes, and leaves the toilet/ And scene