This can’t be serious?
Hot Dog Day Afternoon
Act II Scene 2
<A middle aged balding man dressed Chinese knock off velour track suit and a white polo shirt tucked in so it hugs his love handles sits in front of the remains of his meal: a Dave’s Hot n Juicy 3/4 pound Triple with Cheese, Bacon & Cheese Baked Potato and a large chocolate Frosty. Around his neck is a whistle on a string. The man dabs at a ketchup stain on his shirt with a paper napkin, shrugs, wipes his mouth with his sleeve, retrieves his phone from his sweat pants pocket and dials.>Hi Ma.
Tony? Is it Tony? Hi hon. Where are you? It's loud.
Wendy's ma. Just had lunch.
Wendy's? What about your diet?
It's okay ma, Tuesday's my cheat day. Plus I just had a salad anyway.
I'm so proud of you hon ... Tony, if you're calling about your laundry I haven't done it yet. I worked a double at the King Kullen today and my dogs are barking. I'll do it in the morning.
That's okay ma, take your time. No worries. Hey ma, remember my friend foady?
Yes hon of course I remember your friend foady, you mention him every time you call ... Tony I have to ask you a question and you have to tell mommy the truth no matter what. Promise?
Sure ma, what is it?
Tony, this foady, is he your boyfriend?
What? Ma. No.
Because it's okay if he is.
Ma I -
No Tony, you let mommy finish. You talk about this foady all the time and you always mention his privates and his bottom. You haven't had a girlfriend in I don't know how long. You spend every day with half naked sweaty teenage boys and I know what teenage boys are like, I had two. Between you and your brother there wasn't a clean sock in the house. And then there was when you was an altar boy with that awful Father Bruttiboni, the one who went to jail like that gym teacher Mister Sandusky. If you're funny Tony, you tell mommy now.
Come on ma. Look. In the first place it's physical education teacher, not gym teacher, okay? In the second place nothing happened that time with Father Bruttiboni in the rectory basement, I told the police that, he just fell on top of me during vespers and we got all tangled up and then Sister Struffoli walked in and found us. I don't have a girlfriend because I don't have time. Like the other night I had to watch parts of twelve college basketball games to learn enough so that someday I can get a coveted jay vee coaching position. So I don't have time for girls. And I don't want to watch teen age boys shower and make sure they soap up their tight glistening torsos and clean their taints ma, I have to. It's my job. I mean ma, I love being a physical education teacher. I love it all. Dodge ball. Floor hockey. Greco Roman wrestling. The feeling I get when I put Butch in my mouth and blow -
Tony! My god!
Ma, Butch is what I call my favorite whistle, after my childhood idol Butch Carter. Ma, when I put Butch in my mouth and blow and everyone stops what they're doing and looks at me, it's like magical! It's the best feeling ever. Not to mention I get summer's off so I can go to the beach. That's why I'm dieting, so that next summer I can take my shirt off when I go to Fire Island.
Okay Tony okay. Enough already. Maybe stop protesting so much. I just wanted you to know that your father and I discussed it and if you ever have anything you want to get off your chest you can come to us whatever it is and we'll still love you. So tell mommy what's up with your friend foady anyway.
Oh nothing ma, sometimes he just acts so superior because he knows how to spell words used in nursery rhymes and what parts of speeches are called and how to use questioning marks and ejaculation points. Just because I dont have enough words to make peoples understands me the way they understands his doesn't mean I don't know things he doesn't know I knows. But he treats me a like a mamaluke. And I'm not! I'm smart! Not like everybody says, like dumb. I'm smart and I want respect!
Now Tony stop, don't get overheated. You have a temper like your father. Maybe you should forget this foady and find someone else to play with.
Maybe I will ma. Say how's pop anyway.
Madonna mia! your father's gonna be the death of me. The other day I made a beautiful chicken picatta before my shift at the King Kullen and I told your father I said Petey, put it in the oven on bake 45 minutes before dinner and he said yeah yeah yeah. Well he must have been distracted watching that tramp Bret Somer on Ten Thousand Dollar Pyramid because he put the chicken in the oven all right but he forgot to turn the oven on and he ended up eating the chicken raw! Two helpings! Now he has the squirts something awful. Back and forth to the toilet for three days now. You should say hi, I'll call him.
I can't now ma, I have to get back to school. I'll talk to him Saturday when I pick up my laundry. Do you think it'll be done by then? I only have a couple pair of clean underwears left.
I don't know if you'll have too many more clean pair when I'm done, for the life of me I can't get these stains out. You need to do a better job when you wipe hon.
I'm careful ma, I am, it's just that sometimes when I'm on the train it's swaying and there's all those stops and starts and I get jostled around. It's hard to do a good job.
Okay hon okay don't get exercised. I'll presoak them in bleach and Oxy 10, that's how I do your fathers.
Okay ma, I gotta run, love you. Say hi to poop for me. Did I say poop? I meant pop obviously.
Okay Tony, love you, bye.
Bye.
<and scene>