Much better. Sprinkle in some Oscar Wilde. That’s you wheel house. Forget basketball.
<
A middle aged balding man dressed in wrinkled serge and a white polo shirt tucked in so it hugs his love handles enters the Starbucks in Grand Central Station and makes his way to the toilet. Around his neck is a whistle on a string. The man enters the toilet, retrieves his phone, lowers his pants, sits, and dials.>
Ring ring.
Hello?
Hi Ma.
Tony? Is this Tony? Hi honey.
Hi Ma. I'm at Starbucks, thought I'd call and say hi.
Tony! How'd your interview go? Your wrastling interview! I made a novena.
Oh, not so good ma. I didn't get it. I wore my good corduroys and everything. I even polished my best whistle. I thought it was going okay but when I started explaining how Chief Jay Strongbow could have beaten Haystacks Calhoun if only I'd been his coach the guy started looking out the window. It was like he was bored or something. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know anything about wrestling anyway.
Oh, don't worry honey. You'll get a coveted jay vee coaching position someday.
I hope so ma, it's frustrating seeing completely unqualified people getting jobs with the Lakers and I can't even get a gig coaching girls wrestling at Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow. All those nights I stayed up late cramming for the dodge ball final and studying the rules of floor hockey seem like a big waste of time ... Hey ma, remember my friend from the internet? Foady?
Is he the one with the nice penis dear?
Yeah ma, that's him. So anyway the other day he wrote a post about this guy Oscar Wilde and -
Who's Oscar Wilde dear?
You know ma, the guy who write those movies. The Importance of Being Ernest and Ernest Goes to Camp. So like I was saying, the other day he wrote a post where he quoted this guy Wilde and now whenever he posts I tell him to quote Oscar Wilde some more. It's hilarious. Plus I'm pretty sure it's getting to him.
That's nice dear.
Yeah and then later if he replies I'm going to tell him he's butt hurt. That'll show him.
Speaking of butt hurt you should talk to your father, his piles are still giving him fits. I say for god sake Petey eat a prune or two it won't kill you but he just sits in his chair eating pork rinds and drinking diet Fresca and watching reruns of Match Game. If I didn't know better I'd think he had a thing for that hussy Betty White.
I can't talk to him now ma, I'm late for fifth period study hall. I'll call him after lunch.
What are you having for lunch hun, remember your diet.
I'm just going to have a salad ma, ranch on the side. This morning Miss Stromboli the home eck teacher brought in some home made zeppole, I had to have a couple, it would have been rude not to.
That's my Tony, always so polite. Is this Miss Stromboli your girlfriend by any chance?
No ma, we're just friends.
Well okay that's good hon, you can't have too many friends I guess.
Okay ma I gotta go. Say hi to pops for me.
Okay Tony, bye, love you.
Love you too ma, bye.
<
the man hangs up, wipes, sniffs his fingers, and satisfied with the smell pulls up his trousers. Taking a quick look in the mirror he carefully adjusts his whistle, flushes, and leaves the toilet>
/ And scene